Why do I feel awkward when someone shows me affection? Why do tears start welling up in my eyes when someone tells me that they love me and care about me? Why am I awkward with compliments? Why do I feel like breaking down when they hug and tell me its going to be okay? Maybe I don’t know how to take love, maybe I never learnt to deal with affection. Maybe because I never had it enough. Maybe because it was so rare that someone hugged me and told me that they loved me so much. I’m awkward with expressing love too. I find it so hard to tell them that I love them. I find it awkward to say I love you back, to ask them if they are fine and need some help, to hold their hand and tell them that everything is going to be fine when they are not okay and need to be consoled, to hug them when they are crying. Even though I desperately want to. I love them and I care about them and a part of me is dying to express myself but I cannot. I just cannot bring myself to do it.
I find it awkward to let it out, to vent it, to share myself, to let them have a peek in my soul, to have a glimpse of my demons. Maybe I was made like that. Or maybe it was life, the way I grew up. Or is it my ego? Sometimes when I think about the future I get scared. What about my children? My wife? Will I be able to express my love to them, be able to tell them and make them feel that they are loved and wanted? And the thought scares the hell out of me.