Soul Baring

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Why do I feel awkward when someone shows me affection? Why do tears start welling up in my eyes when someone tells me that they love me and care about me? Why am I awkward with compliments? Why do I feel like breaking down when they hug and tell me its going to be okay? Maybe I don’t know how to take love, maybe I never learnt to deal with affection. Maybe because I never had it enough. Maybe because it was so rare that someone hugged me and told me that they loved me so much. I’m awkward with expressing love too. I find it so hard to tell them that I love them. I find it awkward to say I love you back, to ask them if they are fine and need some help, to hold their hand and tell them that everything is going to be fine when they are not okay and need to be consoled, to hug them when they are crying. Even though I desperately want to. I love them and I care about them and a part of me is dying to express myself but I cannot. I just cannot bring myself to do it.

I find it awkward to let it out, to vent it, to share myself, to let them have a peek in my soul, to have a glimpse of my demons. Maybe I was made like that. Or maybe it was life, the way I grew up. Or is it my ego? Sometimes when I think about the future I get scared. What about my children? My wife? Will I be able to express my love to them, be able to tell them and make them feel that they are loved and wanted? And the thought scares the hell out of me.

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6 thoughts on “Soul Baring

  1. You hold it all inside you, never letting even a ray of the light escape the high walls you built to protect yourself. You want to share, but do you think it’s better if you didn’t? Do you have difficulty believing people when they tell you they love you, or when they compliment you?
    I don’t think it ever goes away.

    We wore our hearts on our sleeve, once upon a time. But we learnt our lesson.
    Never again.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry for my bluntness and for not appreciating this enough in beautifully flowing sentences but I AM appreciating it a lot when I say
    TOTAL RELATE.
    Total absolute relate.
    Literally same.
    And you know how appreciated this goes when I relate to the feeling just as much.
    Right here is my most intimate, very personal and honest and in a way painful insecurity.
    Thailand for writing this.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A great concise expression of a very complicated state of being, so many questions. I have had the same problem pretty much my whole life and there are probably a number of reasons of how I came to be this way, from my own mis-wiring to the way I was raised in a household that expressed almost no emotions, positive or negative. Yet one facet of it, how it holds on in me, is that I skeptical about the other’s sincerity and afraid a genuine expression of intense emotion will be interpreted as insincere. Anxiety in its full bloom.

    Liked by 1 person

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